New to texting – not the best outcome

wife texting

An elderly couple had just learned how to send text messages on their mobile phones. The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy.

One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee. She decided to send her husband a romantic text message. She wrote:

“If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.”

“If you are laughing, send me your smile.”

“If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip.”

“If you are crying, send me your tears.”

“I love you.”

The husband texted back to her:

“I’m on the toilet — would you like to reconsider?”

husband texting back

Husband threatens wife but she’s not worried

Upside down man
An old man and woman were married for many years. Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard and the old man would shout, “When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!”
Even neighbors feared him.
He died of a heart attack at 98.
After the burial, the neighbors, concerned for the wife safety, asked her “Aren’t you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?”
The wife said, “Let him dig. I had him  buried upside down. And I know he won’t ask for directions.”

Clever wife

Upside down man
An old man and woman were married for many years. Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard and the old man would shout, “When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!”
Even neighbors feared him.
He died of a heart attack at 98.
After the burial, the neighbors, concerned for the wife safety, asked her “Aren’t you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?”
The wife said, “Let him dig. I had him  buried upside down. And I know he won’t ask for directions.”

Breaking News in the Onion: “Elderly Man Hailed As Alert”

SB. Onion 87 yearold alert

Thanks to Robert Plant, Turlock, California, for sending this to us

May 28, 2014

 

This one’s a real gas

SB. Old Fart

Dear Times,

Now I know why we’re sometimes called “Old Farts.”

I was in a Starbucks Coffee recently when my stomach started rumbling and I realized that I desperately needed to pass some gas.

The place was packed. The music was very loud. To get relief and reduce embarrassment, I timed my farts to the beat of the music.

After a couple of songs I started to feel much better.

I finished my coffee and noticed that everyone was staring at me.

That was when I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my IPod.

Using newfangled technology can be dangerous as we get on.

From an anonymous OF

Webcam 101 for Seniors

Webcam 101 for Seniors

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FcN08Tg3PWw

Thanks to Robert Plank for informing us about this video

Another senior husband asking for trouble

SB. eyesight damn near perfect

50 years of marriage: wife still sets him straight

SB. 50 years

Am email that’s making the rounds about what 50 years of marriage is like:

After being married for 50 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, “Fifty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 23-year-old girl.”

I continued, “Now I have a $1,500,000 home, a $65,000 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, but I’m sleeping with a 73-year-old woman. It seems to me that you’re not holding up your side of things.”

My wife is a very reasonable woman.  She told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and
watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

Aren’t older women great? They really know how to solve an old guy’s problems!

Honesty – – is it always the best policy?

SB. Honesty

How to live past 90, good news: caffeine, booze, extra weight can help, so can exercise

SB. CBS over 90

cbsnews.com/videos/living-past-90-caffeine-alcohol-and-extra-weight-may-be-good-for-you/